I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
