Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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