I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
