I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize