I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
