Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
