"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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