I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
