Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
