Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
