he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
