she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
this hospital has no fireball
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
