please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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