I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
