The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
please come you make the beer taste better
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize