Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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