I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
