Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
love makes seman taste better
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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