I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
