i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
