Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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