hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
