I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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