My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
