Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i will never coherently bang her
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize