just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
