i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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