God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
