Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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