I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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