the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
