Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
