So drunk its hurt
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize