its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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