there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
