so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
