My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We talked him into tasing himself.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
