Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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