just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
