well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
