I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He felt like a one man threesome
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
