mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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