There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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