so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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