i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
