I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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