the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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