In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
