Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
