so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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