woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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