im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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