Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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