Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
