I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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