I puked a lego.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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