if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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