I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
