Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
